Ah, I finally am able to sit here, with the second-easiest week of the semester (easiest being, unarguably O-week) done and every. single. week. one. reading. done. dusted. and. filed.
While I am not drowning and stressing over work yet, yet, I am enjoying myself so far. I don’t think anyone knows, how relieved and how much pressure is taken off my shoulders, at the very fact, that I don’t have to take anything I don’t want to do. None of the “YOU HAVE TO TAKE A CONTRASTING SUBJECT FROM THE OTHER DISCIPLINE THAT DOESN”T INTEREST YOU” bullshit, and the options of what I am actually interested in, seems endless. There’s so much I want to do, but it’s a pity that
a. It cost $3750 for a unit
b. the maximum I’m allowed is 4 units a semester
c. I cant spend more than the cost of the course (obviously)
One of my unit lecturers said, that we value individuality and creativity – that everyone is unique, and everyone expresses themselves differently. There is no black and white answer, to most things we will learn in life. Of course, I laughed a little skeptically (having been in drummed the Singaporean way where there is only one correct answer and everything else is rubbish blah blah blah – oh, what a shitstorm).
But then, a little voice in my own conscience scolded me, “but Des, you are creative, you are a writer, a creator, an author, a painter, and a composer.” Now, if you read that correctly, yes, I AM. It bothered me the whole train ride home, of how much creativity and artistic ability I have lost over the years, and that I have transformed into a complete stranger. I can no longer write the way I used to do, writer’s block is something uncomfortable that I am having trouble grappling with. I can no longer paint/draw like I do, the only thing that fills my canvas is childish blending and sloppy lines that I cannot make right. I am no longer the person my secondary school humanities teachers recognised me for. I am now in a country and in a school that celebrates the individual, but what is the use, if I have lost my own person and could no longer scream and show the world who is me. It frightens me that one of my units requires creativity and ideas, and my only hope and prayer is that I will find me again, and love myself for what I can and cannot do.
With that out of the way, I hope to write/document more of my time, and at the end of the 3 years of being here, that I will see a better me. 🙂
PS – the featured photo you see is an award-winning* photo, taken by me 🙂
*it wasn’t much, just a hamper given by the school – and the irony was that I was judged on creativity. Ah, ergo, you might not be so far away!