a post for yry.

Aha, I should really stop saying that I’m going to post more often and try to at least keep up with the schedule I actually planned out. I know, you’re probably thinking that I talk to much and I am on hiatus too damn much… but after finally finishing my visa application, spending 3 weeks at ICU visiting and praying for a friend, and then going for a funeral, I think I deserve just this one 🙂 So yes, I know I’m suppose to upload a creative writing piece today, so it shall be.

Context: as mentioned before, I spent nearly everyday going down to a (kid’s) hospital to give support to someone my aunt(s) and I care about very deeply. Unfortunately, and very sadly, the baby didn’t get better and her funeral was this past week. This was something I wrote on my phone, the night before when I couldn’t sleep, having gone to the wake and paid my last respects. It was a terrible time for me, I struggle with blind faith and having someone die before me doesn’t help me at all. So, here is me, wrestling with myself, and with words. It is short, but worth the read I guess.

I don’t believe in a lot of things – I hope you know. I keep my friends too close and too tightly. I don’t agree, that you should have gone through what most people can’t, just after your second birthday. I understand the frustrations and anger your dad grieved, and how he proclaimed that there is no God, because no one in their right mind would let a small baby go through what you did. I’ve never held you in my arms, because of my aversion to children and saliva. But for once in that room I wished I did. I wish there wasn’t tubes going into you, I wish that there was no heart-lung machine, and I wished that you would wake up and death-glare everyone. I gave up as soon as you did, but maybe I shouldn’t have. There was a tiny hope that you would get a miracle, but you didn’t. I gave up long before your mortal shelling was engulfed in the furnace. All I could do, was stand there and pray for your soul that didn’t get saved. I don’t know what the Bible says about babies that don’t get saved, do they still get to go to heaven? I don’t know, I might never know.

But I do hope, that heaven’s lights open up for you, for you did nothing wrong, and it is surely not your fault that your heart failed. I hope you let the lights guide you home, for you surely deserve to be at home, at peace, and loved. I love you.

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