I’m sorry, I promised an F1 post to be uploaded on Monday (it’s Wednesday now, and I have another one to post tomorrow)- and I’m sorry I can’t fulfill that promise – for reasons I don’t want to share. It dawned over me in the shower, when I blog – I realise I release a part of me into the digital world. It doesn’t matter what I write, even fictional. What was I thinking when I wrote that? I wonder, too. So instead of my usual discussions, here’s a writing I wrote some time ago last year.
27. 05. 2015 || 00 43
I sit here, wondering what’s going on, what’s going to happen, and maybe, what am I going to do.
I sit here, watching everything burn before me, go up in smoke, burnt to ashes, and dust at my feet.
I sit here, with nothing inside, watching things crumble to the ground, as explosions erupt before me.
I sit here, disconnected from the world, disconnected from my own blood, disconnected and all alone.
I sit here, watching people break, watching my shields corrode and waste away, leaving me by myself.
I sit here, with many questions I will never know the answer to, and many answers to questions not yet made.
I sit here, knowing this isn’t the worst, knowing I’m in a good place, but nothing around me convinces me so.
I sit here, crying for help, hoping someone will have the answers to me, calling out for peace.
I sit here, opening books for answers like how Father said so, opening chapters that I can’t read.
I sit here, trying to look forward, trying to not look back, trying to run and do my best – but I can’t.
I sit here, knowing I can’t run, knowing there’s nowhere to go, knowing that what I know is not in existence anymore.
I sit here, writing as a last resort, an open letter, another one of my writings to be kept away, buried.
I sit here, not knowing what I’m doing, with beliefs that I don’t know I can carry on with anymore.
I sit here, knowing I’m going to fall anytime soon, that nothing is going to stop me.
I sit here, doing what I’m told to do when I need help, but it doesn’t seem to work, and it won’t work anytime soon.
I sit here, contemplating thoughts in my head, wishing that I could end it, and I hope I do.
I walk, I run, and I fall into oblivion.
I read it back, and quite honestly, I find it amusing. I know from the date, and time, the circumstances and events that probably pushed me to write this short bad poetry. It was also the time my laptop stopped working and I lost all my music / documents / photos, and I had to use google docs for every damn thing. My wonderful 16 GB iPhone 5 – my wonderful best friend that never failed me – until of course, it died.
Of course, things for me are much better now than it ever was in any given point in 2015. I won’t elaborate on it, but know that whatever feeling you get from this short post, is that I am ok. 🙂 Yes, you can leave a comment, and as usual I will reply to it the best I can. I don’t know what Thursday’s post will be, I’ll be quite busy. So, until then – thank you for entertaining this post, wherever you are. 🙂