new divide.

I didn’t want to write this post yet, but it’s currently 0:44 where I am and I feel it more than ever. I planned a happy post today, but given how I’ve been feeling lately, this needs to be done. I was suppose to post on monday, but I’ve been so busy and tired. but This isn’t really going to be a happy post, so stop reading now if you can’t handle it.

It’s the end of my off-day, I’ve been working for 4 days straight – required to stand at attention and hurt my already-injured back. We’re not allowed water when we have to stand, only when there is a declared 2 mins water break. Of course, I feel tired. But, I expected to be recharged and game to go tomorrow 100% ready to smash it. No, that doesn’t seem like it. I feel even more tired, more than ever. I don’t even want to plan my day tomorrow with cute stickers and my ever-colourful pens. I feel so worn down, and I am in so much pain – I honestly can’t tell the difference between physical and mental pain right now.

You could say I am feeling a shitstorm, I can’t even keep my eyes open. Let’s talk about work, and then what happened at home on Tuesday. Well, I had a bad morning. I drew the short straw and had to clean the cashier by myself. While everyone had a partner, I was the Lone Ranger without Tonto. Maybe, I should have voiced it out that I needed someone, but I thought, “how hard can it be?”. Well, I quickly learnt the severity of my mistake very soon. Whoever mended the cashier(s) the previous night, I detest you. You forgot everything you’ve been trained for – and more. It’s honestly so disgraceful that people mistreat things that aren’t theirs. Yes, you’re working for the money, but don’t you think there is more to working than money? I think there is. Anyway, I let it slide after voicing out my concerns.

Then, lunch break. Oh yes, I can eat and recharge. I can get back to my A game. My store supervisor wanted all of us to eat together but there is a tinyteeny tiny problem, people brought their own food and the group is diverse i.e. some of them need Halal food. That’s ok with me, we can all eat together, but buy what you want and bring it back to the staff lounge. This incident, made me realise that some people just don’t use their brains. Cut the long story short, we ended up across the road and buying food to bring back to the staff room. At this point, I am livid, screaming, and honestly, raging. I called a close friend to rage (she probably went deaf), and let everyone know that my 1 hour break got cut to 25 minutes, and I was most definitely unhappy about it.

My afternoon got better, and I felt happier. One of the work mates was transferred to another location, so after work we all took photos with him (as a group) and wrote cards to him. We chit-chatted with one another while we wrote thank you cards and that took some time. So I left late, and maybe I wasn’t specific with my aunt. Boy, oh boy she wasn’t happy that I am being “too friendly” with my work mates and I am starting to “lepak”(idly hanging out) with them, and reminding me why I’m there. “There is a distinction between ‘being friendly and respectful’ and ‘being friends'” – and I should write an essay on this. Yes, I know the difference, between being friends and being civil to someone else. I know what her main concerns are, and I will not share it here, but I must admit, that made me feel sad. Sad, that it sounded like I couldn’t have any friends at work. Sad, that it sounded like she can’t trust me to be on my own two feet. Sad, that it felt like I couldn’t make my own choices. Quite frankly, it sounded like she never knew me and made assumptions that I know I will not become/do. I understand her worry, and why she had to say what she had to, but it just sent my feelings going in one big circle. Sad, angry, happy, ecstatic, sad.

I am going to end this here, as I have to sleep and quite honestly, I don’t want to be kept feeling sad and needed a space to let it out. I’ll be back with something more optimistic on Sunday, I promise. Goodnight.

 

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